Q.   Since having our baby four months ago, I feel like my partner and I have grown apart. We are both thrilled with our son, but we are exhausted and don't seem to talk or do anything together except take care of him. I feel like we are just roommates and I don't like it but I don't know what to do about it. Help!

A. It is not unusual for new parents to feel disconnected from each other particularly in the early months of a child's life. Having a baby is a big life change and it takes a while to adjust to the new demands and expectations of parenthood. A parent who left a job to stay home with the baby may be feeling a sense of loss of both identity and income. That parent may be happy at home with the baby, but hungry for adult stimulation. The working parent may feel pressure to support the family and feel that they are not doing a good job in either place. The mythology around having a baby is that it brings a couple together, but the reality seems to be that many couples have difficulty staying connected when they are so tired and stressed and they have so little time and energy for each other. Here are some things you can do to ease the transition from couple to family:

• Keep talking. Even if you can't spend the time you used to in lengthy conversation, it is important to communicate what you are thinking and feeling to each other before resentments build up. Some parents find that using email during the day helps them to keep connected.
• Spend time together. Try to arrange a "date night" away from the baby. It doesn't have to be at night (when you are probably tired). It is sometimes easier to get a sitter on a weekend morning or afternoon. The important thing is to schedule time with each other when you can really focus on your partner and not be distracted by the baby.
• Express your needs. Your partner isn't a mind reader. You have to let each other know what you need from the other. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner will be able to give you what you need or want, but at least it keeps the lines of communication open.
• Seek outside support. New parents (and experienced parents) can find much needed companionship and support in parenting groups. It helps to be able to talk things over with other parents who can really understand what you are experiencing.
• Get rid of blame. Try to see a problem as something to be solved rather than a fault in your partner. It is easier to hear and respond to someone when you are not feeling attacked. When a conflict comes up, discuss the goals you each had in the situation. When you know the facts, a compromise can be reached.
• Talk about your family of origin. We all have different ways of reacting to family situations. Often our reactions come from how our parents raised us. Analyze together whether you are trying to repeat your own parents' style or to avoid it like the plague. Knowing what motivates you will help you become more proactive in developing your own parenting style. It will also help you to understand your partner's thoughts and actions.
• Talk about sex. Many new moms find that having sex is the last thing on their minds. Bed is now the place to sleep, not to make love. Men don't always feel the same way. They may eagerly await the six week checkup assuming that then they will have their sex life back the way it was before. Often women don't want to bring up the topic of intimacy because they don't feel up to doing anything about it. It is important to talk to your partner about what is going on with you. You want him to know that you are not rejecting him, you are just too tired or sore, or both, to have intercourse. Hopefully you can find other ways of expressing your love for each other until you feel more rested and ready for intimacy.
• Be appreciative. Let your partner know that you appreciate what they are doing, whether at home or at work. A "thank you" can work wonders.

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